


Living In Freefall

by idrilhadhafang



Series: The Fall of Ben Solo [1]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Child Abuse, Crushes, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Good Parent Han Solo, Jedi Ben Solo, Kylo Ren Backstory, Luke Skywalker Is An Asshole, M/M, Nightmares, POV Ben Solo, Perfectionism, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Protective Poe Dameron, Puppy Love, Young Ben Solo, Young Poe Dameron
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-07-20 10:45:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16135628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Before they met on the planet of Jakku as enemies, Ben Solo and Poe Dameron’s lives were very different. Covers from Ben’s first meeting with Poe to the night he left to find Snoke.





	1. First Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Call this my own separate verse for Ben’s backstory. Definitely separate from stuff like “Wildapples” and “Dive In”.

“I don’t know how you can possibly not get this.”

Ben Solo, age ten, looked up at his increasingly impatient uncle. Then, “I can try again...”

”I don’t see the point,” his uncle said. “You’re ten years old. And you’re useless! Absolutely useless. A gizka with one leg would be more adept at the Force than you’ve been so far. I suggest you meditate on your failings and how you can do better.”

”Fine!” Ben shouted. He shouldn’t have shouted, but it hurt, and he wanted, needed to lash back even as tears brimmed in his eyes.

Even as he stormed out, he thought he could hear his uncle mutter, “Well, that went well”, and he had to swipe a hand across his eyes to wipe away the tears. It wasn’t fair. True, maybe he wasn’t as good as the others, but it didn’t mean that he wasn’t trying. That was what he was, trying. Then again, maybe there was no try, and it didn’t matter.

He found the forest not far back, and it was there that he saw the older teenager up in the trees. Ben’s breath hitched; any minute now he was going to fall. He wasn’t a Master, but he knew a few things about stopping falling objects, and maybe, just maybe he could do something to help —

But the teenager managed to make his way down safely, as agile as anything. He landed safely on the ground before looking at Ben in concern.

”What are you doing here?” he said. Looking at him, he had curly black hair and smooth golden skin, and his voice was softly accented, very pretty. A lot of him seemed very confident and well-possessed, and Ben had to admire him.

”Sorry!” Ben said.

The teenager smiled warmly. “I’m not mad at you. Are you lost?”

”N-no,” Ben said. “I mean, yes. I...”

”You a student from the Academy?”

”Yeah. It’s just...” Ben sniffled as he spoke. “It sucks.”

”Oh.” The teenager squatted next to him, which made it a little less intimidating, though it was a reminder to Ben that everyone was taller than him. “You want me to accompany you back? Maybe it won’t be so scary.”

”Yeah.” Ben decided he liked the teenager. There was something about his presence that was comforting despite everything. At least the teenager didn’t realize what a failure he was.

”I’m Poe, by the way,” said the teenager. “Poe Dameron.”

”Ben. Wait...my daddy told me about Kes Dameron.”

Poe laughed. It was a good-natured sound that Ben didn’t mind at all, made him feel more at ease. “He’s my dad.”

”That’s...wizard!” Ben bounced up and down, reciting everything that Han had told him about the Pathfinders.

”Yeah, it’s true. All of it.” Poe grinned. “Come on; I’ll help you back.”

They walked up the path, talking, and Ben found that he was more at ease with Poe than anyone else at the Academy so far. “Are you a Jedi?” Ben said.

Poe laughed again, but Ben didn’t feel mocked. “No. I wish. I’m gonna be a pilot one day.”

”Maybe we could be pilots together?”

Poe smiled. “We could.”

”Ben Solo!”

Luke stalked out of the Academy with fire in his eyes.

”I’m — I’m sorry, Uncle!” Ben said. Poe looked a bit flabbergasted; he clearly hadn’t expected that revelation.

”What were you thinking? Embarrassing me like that...”

Poe spoke up. “Master Skywalker, your nephew had a hard time. I just had to help him.”

Luke huffed softly.

”Just give him a break. He’s upset.” Poe squatted next to Ben. “I better get back home before my dad comes looking for me.”

”O-okay,” Ben said. “See you again, Poe!”

Poe smiled. “You will.”

He walked away, and despite himself, Ben couldn’t help but think he’d made a friend in this strange, scary new place.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben meets Kes Dameron.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It was the next day that Ben got to actually visit Poe Dameron’s house — there was something about it that was overwhelmingly comforting. There were holos on the wall that showed a young woman and her child — Ben tilted his head. Was that Poe’s mother? She looked a lot like him, actually. The curly dark hair, the brown eyes and kind face. 

“Is that your mom?” Ben said. “She looks a lot like you.”

”Yeah,” Poe said. 

“She’s really pretty.” Ben said. 

“She was.”

Ben furrowed his brows, wondering how exactly to vocalize it. Then, “You’re pretty too.” It wasn’t a word that applied to other males as far as he knew, but it was the best way to describe Poe. 

Poe laughed, but there was nothing mocking in it. “You’re very sweet.” There was something in the way he looked that frustrated Ben, though, almost like he didn’t quite take him seriously. Then again, Ben was only ten. 

“I’m serious.” 

“And like I said, you’re very sweet.” Poe sighed. “I hope I can be like my mom. She was a wonderful woman.”

”Was?” Then, “She died, didn’t she?”

Poe nodded. “I was eight when it happened.”

”I’m sorry.” Then, “You know, she can always come visit. My uncle talked about Force Ghosts.”

”Force Ghosts?” Poe said. 

Even explaining Force Ghosts to Poe, Ben felt silly, almost like he was five years younger. But still, seeing the look of awe that lit up Poe’s face was enough to make him wish that he could get that more often from Poe.

“Wow,” Poe said. “The Force is...amazing, isn’t it?”

Ben grinned, a bit shyly. “Yeah. But maybe your mom can come visit us. I think I’d like her.”

”Yeah.” Poe smiled. “I think you would.”

Ben also met Poe’s father, Kes — he had a short goatee and black hair, but Ben could see that Poe took more after his mother than his father. “Hello,” he said, all but squatting next to Ben, and Ben felt more at ease with him. He was a gentle man.

“My daddy told me about you,” Ben said. “He said you were the best Pathfinder out there!”

Kes chuckled. It was a not-mocking, warm sound that Ben found was a lot like Poe’s. Then, “You’re very sweet, Ben, but there are better Pathfinders than me out there. I had help. Your daddy, for example.”

Kes invited him for dinner, and Ben couldn’t help but be amazed at the sheer amount of Yavin soup and noodles on his plate. His stomach rumbled, and his jaws ached. He sat down along with Poe, and took a spoonful of soup. It tasted good; Ben could taste the rich vegetables in it.

“It’s good,” he said to Kes.

Kes smiled warmly. “Take as much as you want, Ben. You’re too skinny and little; I don’t know what they’ve been feeding you, but it’s clearly not enough.”

Ben supposed he was right. The food at the Academy wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t this. He hated being so skinny; it was like he ate and ate but only gained inches, not weight. And apparently he was still too little, too delicate. 

He was pleasantly full by the time he was done, including with Yavin chocolates that he tried. Everything in this house seemed to be humming with Light, more Light than at the Academy. The Academy seemed so cold, and the Damerons’ house seemed so warm. He smiled over at Poe, who had settled back, his breathing a little labored from dinner. Ben couldn’t help but be worried, but Poe was practically radiating contentment. Poe was so bright. Ben decided he didn’t want that light to go out. 

“It was good,” Ben said. “Dinner. Thank you, Mr. Dameron.”

Mr. Dameron smiled warmly. “No problem. Why don’t you two watch a holo? I’m sure Poe has stuff you can both watch.”

Ben nodded eagerly. “Sure!”

He and Poe sat on the couch, wrapped in blankets, watching a holo about a Jedi Academy back in the old Republic days (based on a series of young adult holobooks), with Ben leaning against Poe. They focused on the holo, and Ben felt a sort of safety he hadn’t felt before at the Academy. 


	3. Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben makes a promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

 Dad called later, and even updating him on Jedi training, Ben didn’t tell him about his uncle (Dad would think it was his fault anyway, and he didn’t want to let Dad down), but he told him about everything else, including Poe. And even telling him about Poe, Ben knew he was probably rambling too much about Poe’s wonderful qualities, but he was just so cool and nice and pretty, and Ben couldn’t help but want to be like him. Maybe he could be a pilot one day. Han sat back, a slight smile on his face that always made Ben feel welcome and very much treasured by his father. Maybe his uncle and Mom didn’t like him, but Dad did, and Ben could take comfort in that. 

He finished, and Han grinned. “I’m glad you’re getting along with him. He sounds like a good kid.”

”Yeah. Dad...am I a good kid?”

Han furrowed his brow. “Where’d you get that question?”

Ben shrugged. “Just wonderin’.”

Han smiled. “Well, I can tell you that you’re the best kid anyone could possibly ask for. Really really. You’re a...darn treasure.”

Ben couldn’t help but laugh; it was funny when Dad censored himself when it came to swearing. 

“Really, kiddo. Cross my heart. And you’re going to go on to kick some cargo hold in the galaxy because you are just. That. Cool.”

”I hope so,” Ben said. 

“You will, son,” Han said. “You will.”

They talked for quite some time, and when the transmission ended, Ben couldn’t help but feel comforted. Even if no one else believed in him, his father and Poe did. That, at least, counted for something.

***

Even on one of those excursions he had with Poe, one of those instances that led one of the students to derisively call Poe Ben’s babysitter (which had resulted in a fist fight, and Poe saying that Ben didn’t have to defend his honor), Poe gave Ben a bit of a tour of Yavin’s forests, Kes Dameron supervising so they didn’t get lost. Ben couldn’t help but exclaim at the sheer towering nature of the trees, how green everything was and how beautiful. It reminded him of one time when he’d visited Kashyyyk, and saw how vast the forests were. 

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Poe said. “Really tall.”

Ben grinned. “It’s amazing!”

Poe showed him around, and Ben couldn’t help but follow. Poe was already pretty, but here, to Ben, he looked radiant, talking about the different parts of Yavin. Ben listened intently, wanting to know everything. 

It was back inside, after Kes went into his study, that Ben said, “I’m gonna marry you one day.”

Poe laughed, clearly surprised. Ben furrowed his brows. “I’m serious.”

Poe looked over at him. “Ben,” he said. “You’re only ten years old.”

”I won’t always be.”

”Your feelings for me will change. I mean...you’re still a child.”

Ben furrowed his brow. “You’re not that much older than me, you know.”

”Well, point. But honestly, how you’ll feel about me will change. Really. You’ll go on to find someone else when you get older. But you and me...we’ll always be friends.”

”Okay.” 

And yet, even heading back to the hut that night, Ben doubted that what he felt for Poe Dameron would ever truly change.


	4. Happy Naming Day, Ben

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben celebrates his eleventh Naming Day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A year passed, and Ben’s eleventh Naming Day approached. He couldn’t help but feel a sort of excitement; he wouldn’t be a kid for long. He’d be close to being a man, someone who Poe could actually take seriously as opposed to just a child with a foolish crush who wanted to marry Poe. Poe was fourteen now, and Ben wished that the years were faster so he could be like him. Just as cool as Poe. There were things you still couldn’t do when you were eleven, and even though Kes Dameron was still watching over his son, there was something about Poe that just seemed plain cool to Ben.

Ben knew he wasn’t cool yet. He was small and skinny and knobby-kneed and awkward, but he would be, someday. He just had to keep trying. No matter what happened, no matter what the cost, he had to keep trying. Unless there was no try and he just had to keep doing it.

Either way, he’d succeed.

***

The Naming Day party was all right in the beginning, but the Damerons’ house was really where Ben felt more than welcome. He’d gotten stuff like lightsaber parts from his uncle, though he had a feeling that it was more for the sake of training him to be a Jedi than anything else. And even then Ben had the feeling that his uncle was afraid of him, like there was something wrong and freakish about him.

His other presents were good, though. His father had gotten him a game he could play with Poe about X-wing races, and his mother new holobooks he could read. Kes and Poe gave him model X-wings and A-wings, as well as books and holovids on flying.

There was cake and ice cream, naturally, special to Yavin IV (the cake was apparently a recipe that Shara used to use for Poe’s Naming Day celebrations), and afterwards, Ben and Poe played the X-wing game. Even racing over the lush green planet they were on, they were evenly matched — Poe had good reflexes, while for Ben, it was like the Force had prepared him for things like this. It was just a videogame, of course, but it was like Ben was attuned to just about everything and everyone in the room.

It was narrow, but Poe ultimately was the victor. Looking at him, Ben already felt a mixture of admiration and jealousy.

”Hey,” Poe said. “You did good, y’know? Really. You’ve definitely got the makings of a pilot in you.”

”You really think so?” Even Poe saying that made Ben’s stomach do pleasant flips.

”Really.”

Ben shrugged. “Dad used to teach me how to pilot the Falcon. How it worked and all. That was before Mom...” He trailed off.

”Are you happy here, Ben?”

”With you.” He was old enough to know that he wasn’t going to say he was going to marry Poe out loud. He was also old enough not to be imagining dream weddings like younglings did. But Poe was one of the few people on Yavin IV who made him happy. Ben was making some friends, finally, but none that made him as happy as Poe did. “You’re...really cool.”

Poe grinned. “Don’t sell yourself short, Ben. You’re cool too.”

Ben hoped he was, at any rate.

***

It was back at the hut that Ben began working on his lightsaber. Luckily he had an instruction manual, but even so, he couldn’t help but worry that he would put this part in the wrong place, or anything like that, actually. He had a good selection of crystals to choose from — blue for the Guardian, yellow for the Sentinel, green for the Consular. Uncle Luke had said any other crystal was fine, except red — that was apparently the crystal that Dark Siders used. Ben wondered why Dark Siders would use red crystals, but he didn’t know if he wanted to ask Uncle Luke that question.

Even putting together the saber, Ben could swear that he heard heavy, mechanical breathing over in the corner. He turned around, but the most that was there were the shadows on the wall of the hut. Finally, Ben finished the saber, and he could have sworn for a moment the blade turned red, blood red —

— but it was back to blue again. Ben sighed. He must have been hallucinating. He definitely couldn’t tell anybody; he didn’t want people to be talking about that as well. Ben deactivated the lightsaber and went to sleep, his dreams a tangled mess of X-wing races and red lightsabers alike.


	5. In the Shadows of Gods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben goes crystal gathering with his fellow students.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It was after Ben had built his first lightsaber that he actually showed it off to Poe. Poe jumped away in that moment, hands held up, laughing. “You’re not going to stab me with that thing, are you?”

”Of course not.”

”Sorry, Ben. Bad joke.”

Ben deactivated his lightsaber. “So what do you think?”

”I think,” Poe said, “It’s very nice. Very...blue.”

Ben shrugged. “I just want to be a Guardian,” he said. “I want to protect people.”

”A noble goal,” Poe said. 

“Thanks." A beat. “Poe...I wish I could be as good as you one day.”

”Well,” Poe said casually, “I don’t have a lightsaber.”

”No, not that,” Ben said. “I mean...like piloting. Sometimes I feel like I’m not good at anything.”

”Hey, don’t talk like that. Did someone say something at the Academy or — ”

“Not really.” Uncle Luke had said that he’d take off somebody’s head with the way he was holding his lightsaber, though, there was that. The way some of the students had actually laughed — it was enough to make things worse. 

Poe leaned forward. “You’re good at a lot of things. You’re kind, you’re artistic, you’re dedicated and determined and funny...”

”I hope so.”

”You are. Really.”

And hearing it from Poe filled Ben with a sort of warmth  and ease that he hadn’t been feeling earlier. Poe believed in him. That was enough to soothe some of the sting of his uncle’s rebuke and his own humiliation. 

“Thanks.”

”It’s the truth. And no problem.”

***

It was not long after that talk that Uncle Luke took them to get lightsaber crystals in the old Jedi Academy just south of the one he had built. Even exploring that academy, listening to Uncle Luke give a history of the place, Ben couldn’t help but feel more dwarfed than he already was. He wasn’t going to measure up to the legends. Compared to everyone else, he was just mediocre. 

They collected lightsaber crystals. Ben supposed he could keep some of them, but he liked the blue of his blade. It reminded him almost of his purpose, what he dreamed of being. He could give them to Poe, though. 

“You keeping any of those, Ben?” one of the students, Kara, said. 

Ben furrowed his brow. “I might.” He wasn’t about to say that he was going to give some of them to Poe. The others wouldn’t understand. 

Luke, on the other hand, seemed to sense it. Judging by some of the suspicious looks he got from his uncle, Ben could only speculate that his uncle could feel it. He wished there was a way to block it, actually. What he felt for Poe needed to be kept safe, not scrutinized. 

It didn’t mean, of course, that Ben couldn’t read his uncle’s thoughts as well. The disgust flowing through them. The fear and anger. Ben couldn’t help but draw away from his uncle’s thoughts like they were a hot stove. 

It was back at the regular Academy that Ben gave Poe the crystals. “They’re lightsaber crystals,” he said. “Pretty cool, huh?”

”Oh, wow. Beautiful, yeah.” Then, “Aren’t you keeping any of them?”

”I thought you could have them,” Ben said. 

“Well, thanks.” Poe picked up one, a silver crystal like the waterfalls on Yavin, and looked at it in admiration. “They’re beautiful. Thank you, Ben.”

”No problem.” Honestly, the fact that he had made Poe Dameron happy was one of his greatest rewards. 


	6. Imperfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben has a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

 It was late at night that the dreams came to Ben. The strange man in the almost avian mask, stalking among the ruins that he’d created. The burned trees, then the blood red sky that seemed to loom over just about everything...

Ben snapped awake in that moment, and he couldn’t help but look around the room, trying to reassure himself that the nightmare was just a nightmare. Was it? After all, even for Jedi who didn’t have visions, nightmares were rarely just nightmares. Nightmares usually meant something. 

Ben huddled in his bed in that moment, clutching his old Tooka doll that he somehow hadn’t managed to throw away over the years. It was a little beat up and battered, but it was definitely still home. His father occasionally used it to try and cheer him up, Ben knew that, when he was still little. Pretending to make it dance. 

Ben smiled slightly; there was something about thinking about his father that was a sort of comfort even after a nightmare like this. He could remember when he was five and had a nightmare, and how his father had talked about how the Tooka would protect him against the monsters in his head. 

Ben sighed. He could only hope. It was simpler when he was younger, and he could go to his parents whenever the monsters in his head got too much. Now...now he was eleven, and he couldn’t talk to Uncle Luke. Uncle Luke would think he was weak, and justifiably so.

You never let your uncle see your weakness. You never let him see the truth. 

Ben stared at the wall, trying to decipher what kind of shadows could dance upon it. What kind of shapes that the shadows could form. It was as good a pastime as any, considering he doubted he could sleep in that moment. 

***

The tiredness ultimately cost him a practice duel. Even lying there, Ben could already feel the humiliation seeping in through his bones, and he almost wanted to fall asleep on the floor right then and there if not for the further humiliation it would bring.

Luke looked at him almost disdainfully. “Is that the best you can do?” he said. “Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. You should do better.”

”I’m sorry, Uncle.”

”You embarrass me,” Luke said. “Your coordination with a lightsaber is almost nonexistent. I don’t know if you know this, Ben, but there’s more to lightsaber training than waving your lightsaber around like some idiot child who doesn’t know what he’s doing.”

Ben bit his lip. He supposed his uncle was right, but it didn’t make it hurt less, actually. It just made it hurt more, because Uncle Luke was right about everything. He wasn’t strong enough, or good enough. He just wasn’t. Stupid perfect Uncle Luke with his stupid perfect life...

He hated him. 

No, he couldn’t hate him. A student didn’t hate their own teacher. No one could afford to hate their own family. You just didn’t, didn’t you?

Either way, Ben knew he would show his Uncle. In the end, Ben vowed, he would be the greatest lightsaber duelist in the galaxy, and no power that ever was could stop him. 


	7. To Steal a Ship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An incident with Ben stealing an X-wing — or trying to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Ben turned twelve, and then thirteen, and he kept practicing his skills in the Jedi Order. Even when Uncle Luke never so much as said “good job”, there was something in Ben that wanted to have that coveted phrase of “good job”. Not that his uncle would give him even that much. 

Turning twelve was boring, but turning thirteen was something exciting. He was finally a teenager! He could finally try to be as cool as Poe, even with his awkward features and his awkward height — he was growing like a plant, he knew that much. He was growing faster than he could stop it, which made him a source of taunting from some of the others at the Academy. 

Poe, meanwhile...he was just plain cool. Not a hair out of place, not an awkward speck in him, except just to make him more endearing. Ben doubted that he could even fathom Poe being awkward, actually. It seemed outright inconceivable. If not for the fact that Poe was still so friendly and kind to Ben, Ben would have hated him just for being so seemingly perfect. 

Of course, Poe would only see the little boy he was when he first arrived on Yavin. Maybe not always, though. Maybe...

Ben knew that he had two things he hoped for in the future, two that seemed out of reach. One was to make his uncle proud. The second was to get Poe to notice he was nearly a man. He hoped that he could accomplish both, at any rate. 

***

It was one day after training that Ben headed down to the hangar to check out the X-wings there. He’d only heard of what it was like to fly in an X-wing, just stories and such, but he couldn’t say that he had ever actually flown in one. He climbed up the ladder, carefully, before checking around to make sure no one was there. There was no one, thankfully, which meant that Ben could start up the X-wing and begin his flight.

The X-wing lifted into the air, and flew above the trees, and Ben couldn’t help but marvel at the absolute beauty of the view. He’d never been so high up, even with that time he’d climbed the Force Sensitive tree. He’d never seen the sky, the clouds, before — not like this. It was enough to make him realize how small he was, at least among the clouds. 

 It was exhilarating. 

It was only in the Force that he felt a surge of panic — a surge of panic from Poe, actually. It was one of those things that made him feel, suddenly, very much guilty for even thinking of stealing the ship in the first place. And now he was stuck up in the air, unable to find his way down because of his own actions. 

He just needed to find a good place to land. Even maneuvering downwards, he found that there was just no open spot to land except...right back in the hangar. It was mostly in a panic that he reached out in the Force, and for a moment, it seemed like there was no place to land, no way he could land without hurting himself, and then...

He landed the X-wing. Roughly, but if was better than nothing, in the end. He stumbled out, breathing hard, and Poe ran over to him.  

“What were you thinking, Ben?” Poe finally said. “You could have died!”

Ben already felt a sting at what Poe said. Somehow, it hurt worse than any rebuke by his uncle (though those hurt pretty bad too). Then he said, “I wanted to be like you.”

The anger-born-of-fright seemed to drain from Poe’s body. “Believe me, you don’t have to be,” he said. “You’re Ben. And I happen to like Ben Solo just as he is.” 

“Really?”

”Really.” Then, “I was so worried about you, Ben...” 

He hugged Ben in that moment, and Ben was struck by just how small Poe seemed in comparison. Not extremely, but just enough to make him seem almost fragile. 

“I won’t do it anymore,” he said. 

“Not until you’re older, all right?” Poe said. “Then I can teach you how to fly.”

Ben couldn’t even make a joke about that. Instead he nodded, and he found himself all but swallowed in the sea of Poe Dameron, unwilling to surface again. 


End file.
